Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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