pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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