I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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