I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Don't make out with my wife yet
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
