please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
