I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
