someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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