Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
