I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
