Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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