3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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