After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
