Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
