as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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