So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
