Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
