So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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