shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
how drunk are you?
Several
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
