Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
