dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
