we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
