I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We don't watch enough power rangers
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
