how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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