I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
