If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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