how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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