stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
