Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Don't make out with my wife yet
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
