I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
