I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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