I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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