I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
