I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
