i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She just used a chaser for red wine.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
