im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
