if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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