my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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