I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
