Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
