I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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