Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
