Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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