i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
