I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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