just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
