you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
