My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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