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a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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