I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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