I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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