I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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