I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
