I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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