yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize