last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think I won the penis lottery.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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