I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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