Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
