Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
