Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
