Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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