So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
