I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
