So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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