i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
