Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
