Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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