Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
