highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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