I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
