You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
